Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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