Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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