turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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