I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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