Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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