Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
