My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
