I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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