you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
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i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
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Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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