WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
