i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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