if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We named our party play list daddy issues
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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