Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
