I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
