so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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