whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
