It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
