Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
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He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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