He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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