god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
