she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
