If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Found your dick twin last night
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Randomize
