I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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