I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I think my vagina is haunted
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
