Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
