I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
