thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
