Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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