It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
