woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
