somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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