I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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