i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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