So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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