Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
