I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
