So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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