I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
