I could make wine with my vomit
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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