Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
false alarm, still single
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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