a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
