you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize