Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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