This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
