FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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