Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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