What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
