I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We are two peas in an std pod
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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