Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Mom said you looked used
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
