i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
