I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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