in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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