remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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