and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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