I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
