How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
