Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
