I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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