operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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