god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
