I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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