I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
