he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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