hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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